Joshua Thomas |
In one letter he expressed himself thus,
For my own part, I do not know that there is a man, or a minister on earth, under greater obligations to the goodness and grace of God, than me. I was born of parents eminently pious, and though bereaved of both, when but six years of age, the Lord assuredly took me up, clothed and fed me. He was the guide of my youth, and was manifested to my soul, I firmly believe, while I was very young. By him I have been led through many dark paths, delivered in many imminent dangers, followed with tender mercies, supported in various and sore afflictions. But the special manifestations and overwhelmings of his love, have exceeded all his temporal blessings; they are absolutely inexpressible. You know what I mean. O! for repeated discoveries of the glory of God in Christ, melting the heart, mortifying sin, dispelling guilt and fear, and uniting the soul to himself as all in all. I am truly happy, and to my own satisfaction in the best of frames, when I can abhor my. self, justify God in my condemnation, lie low at the foot of the cross, feel no desire contrary to the will of God, and be anything or nothing so that Christ may be, supreme. In short, when I can get entirely out of myself into God, then I am at home, I am then at rest, and wonder, love and praise engage my whole soul. O how sweet and expressive are the lines of Ralph Erskine's,
Let Fools a Heav'n of shades pursue,
But I for substance am;
The Heav'n I seek is likeness to,
And vision of the Lamb.
In a letter to Turner in April 1796, he writes
I feel my need of the influence, the assistance, the light and comfort of the HOLY SPIRIT, and I think I can distinguish between his gracious operations, or rather their effects, and those of my own natural powers. When enlightened by the divine Spirit what a strong and lively perception have we of the glory of God, of the purity of the moral law, of the odious nature of sin, of the excellence and glory of Christ, of the beauty of holiness, of the vanity of the whole world, and of the blessedness of the heavenly state. At these times what self- abasement, what humility, what sweet resignation to the will of God, what meekness of spirit, what thirstings after purity, what zeal for the divine honour, what love to Christ and to his people, what entire devotedness to God, and what oneness of spirit with the Blessed Saviour! I have felt much more corruption and contrition, terror and joy, hell and heaven in my heart, for 50 years, than I can possibly express. Formerly I was sometimes at the gate of hell; sinking away in despair; and sometimes at the gate of heaven, longing for a glorious entrance; but for years past I have enjoyed a more constant serenity, though my heart is daily my greatest burden. About hell I have little or no fear; but the thoughts of entering into eternity are to me inexpressibly awful and all I can do is to cast myself on a gracious God; through the atoning Mediator.
To Turner he also wrote in October, 1796, while confined by a severe affliction brought on by a fall from his horse, when going to the annual meeting of the Education Society at Bristol,
Whilst I have not been able to write, or even to read much, I have had many days and nights to think but alas! my thoughts like a rapid torrent sadly run to waste. Sometimes they rise in tumultuous billows and cast up foam, mire and dirt; sometimes they rush headlong in huge cataracts upon barren and earthly objects; and sometimes they run in innumerable shallow rivulets, among weeds and gravel, and are soon lost under ground, but they seldom if ever glide along in an even stream, that may turn a wheel; fertilise a meadow, gladden a town, or even refresh a weary traveller. O that my thoughts and affections were more as a well of living water, rising. as high as the throne of God and the Lamb! What shall I do with this vain roving heart, which is my daily burden When shall heaven prevail over earth, and bear away all the pollutions of my corrupt nature? I often think whatever opinion others may entertain of me, that I am in myself a chaos of ignorance and a mass of deformity. I need the Holy Spirit to enlighten me, and the blood of Chrst to cleanse me, and a lively faith in the atoning Lamb, now as much as ever. I hope to die at the foot of the cross."
To another friend he later wrote
To know Christ, to live in Christ, to love Christ, to imitate Christ, to obey, serve and glorify Christ, to enjoy Christ, to feel myself in unison with Christ, is the happiness I richly anticipate. When, when shall Christ alone reign through all my soul, for I am no farther a Christian, or fit for Glory, than as I possess my Saviour, as the hope, yea the earnest of immortal Life.
Thus again to Turner, in May 1797, he observes,
The thoughts of being ever with you in heaven, warm, melt and rejoice my heart. O! I will gladly join with you, in ascribing all the glory of the whole of our Salvation to the Lamb that was slain. Christ is all, Christ is all, whilst I am nothing in myself but guilt and misery - as a Man, as a Christian and as a Minister, I am what I am, by the sovereign goodness and grace of God and I do not think there can be a man in the world under greater obligations to divine love and mercy than myself.
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